


Mall Bags

by SecondSilk



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-19
Updated: 2010-05-19
Packaged: 2017-10-09 13:53:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecondSilk/pseuds/SecondSilk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Owen, Jack, sexual inuendo, strange alien sentiences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mall Bags

**Author's Note:**

  * For [karaokegal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karaokegal/gifts).



> Once upon a time, I mistyped "Big Bang" as "Big Bag". Karaokegal called me on it. Then this happened.

There were three young woman, almost indistinguishable in their skirts and ugg boots, despite different hair and different colouring. The middle one was doing all the talking and Owen waited for her to finish telling him why they had come out shopping in the first place.

"And then," she (Sherrie or Tracy or Carly) said, eyes wide, "We went to Urban Revival."

She shifted her weight onto one foot and pulled her shoulders back, a move that had always arrested Owen's attention before he had joined Torchwood, before Jack and Jack's-- before he had joined Torchwood and started worrying about more important things. Like aliens.

"After the security guy--"

"He was hot," the one on the left added.

"--the noise started," the middle one finished. Probably Sherrie.

"Urban Revival," he repeated. She smiled as though this was evidence that he had been paying more than perfunctory attention. Owen tried to sound more bored. They had been having a perfectly pleasant game of guess what this is for, before they had been called out to the mall. Jack had been particularly explicit in his sexual ideas and Owen had been enjoying himself. It. However you said that that didn't sound naughty.

"At first it was just the noise," the girl on the left said. Owen decided she was Tracy.

"Like swallowing," the right one, Carly, said, with a disgusted grimace.

Owen hadn't found swallowing disgusting in years and he was beginning to get fed up. He would have to complain about being assigned to collect witness statements. Surely Gwen or Ianto would be better suited, especially when they already knew exactly what was at stake. Giant shopping bags that tried to eat people were pretty difficult to miss.

"Once we got out of the shop, it started to wriggle," Sherrie said. "Like someone had dropped a puppy in it."

Carly nodded vigorously.

"Then it got really heavy I dropped it."

"It got heavy," Owen repeated, thinking they had reached the important part of the conversation.

"I think so. I mean, I wouldn't have dropped it otherwise, would I? Even with the wriggling, I just thought that they'd put the things in badly and they were settling. I was going to open it and check."

Owen touched his comm. "Jack, they're not possessed. They're dormant until they go through the security gates."

Then they leap from their carrier's grip and waddle *waddle* toward some unapparent goal, growing like sponge animals when they got to sunlight. When the Torchwood team had arrived, the bags were four feet high and had started to chase after shoppers.

"Copy," Jack said. "If you've finished there, bring us some Coke. We'll meet you at the north entrance."

"Right," Owen said. He offered Sherrie and Tracy and Carly a tight smile and a short, "thanks," before digging in his pocket for change and running into the newsagents.

The bags, forced outside by Jack and Gwen, gorged themselves on sunlight and grew to be about twelve feet tall and proptionally long and wide. The Coke deflated them like pricked baloons until all that was left was sticky plastic and the clothes they had originally contained.

Jack held up the Coke bottle speculatively. "You know, just about every planet has invented this. Only humans drink it.

"Coffee, now," he added, when neither Gwen or Owen said anything.

"Actually, I want to go home to change," Gwen said. She'd ended up with Coke in her hair and sticky plastic on her shoes. "I'll meet you back at the hub."

Jack nodded, then turned to Owen.

"So, those nice young women you were interviewing--"

"I hate you," Owen said.

Jack laughed. "You really don't." Jack slung his arm around Owen's shoulders to walk them back into the mall to meet the others. Owen forced himself to scowl.


End file.
